We were blessed with two sons, David and Peter. Our beloved son David is here today with his wonderful wife and three great children, our grandchildren. Our other son Peter is also here today in ashes and in spirit. We are here to celebrate Peter’s life at his death. Now that is quite a paradox, celebrating life in death.
Peter was my son, my friend, but also my teacher. One of the lessons he taught me was about paradoxes. He taught me that paradoxes — the poor are blessed, last shall be first, celebrating life in death — are mysteries, not something to be figured out and analyzed. Paradoxes are more the stuff of movies, music and artwork than of rational, linear thought.
His life was a paradox. How could this happy-go-lucky, easy-going child turn into such a sad and depressed adult, go from a constant smile on his face to a constant frown?
The last seventeen years of Peter’s life he suffered from an incurable disease. Like cancer it goes by many names, but under the general category of brain diseases. However, unlike cancer it is more prevalent in our society, with one of five persons affected by brain diseases. Sadly brain diseases are not studied as much as other diseases, and treatment is not as readily available, especially to the poor.
Cultures of the past have treated persons with brain diseases in various ways. I have heard of cultures where such persons were revered for hearing voices and seeing connections between things which the ordinary persons could not see.
In the time of Jesus such persons were considered possessed by demons; Jesus healed many a man, woman or child from these demons. For me the most famous example was when he came down from the mountain after the transfiguration and found that his disciples were unable to cure the son of a father who had brought his son to them. Jesus healed the boy, and when the disciples asked why they could not do it Jesus replied that some illnesses could only be healed by prayer.
Today we call people with brain disease crazy, schizophrenic, manic depressive, lazy and lacking will power, and many other labels and stigmas.
The saddest part of brain disease, is often persons and family and friends cannot accept it, because of the labels and stigmas attached to it. To accept it seems to the person with the illness to deny who they are, their being. We would not call a person with cancer cancerous but do not hesitate to call a person with a mental illness, mentally ill. This disease, maybe because it is of the mind, is associated with the being of a person.
Peter never deeply accepted his disease and was always looking for a way out of his terrible pain. He tried in years past to move to another city and escape his illnesses. He turned to alcohol for relief only to find himself more depressed and ill.
As Peter taught me about paradoxes I taught him about parables, word pictures to describe something without directly saying it. Parables enabled him to express to me some of the horrendous pain, blame and shame he faced without saying it was his. In his parables the last few years often a person who was doing his best suffered persecution and rejection from other persons.
Peter was talking about himself. He often told us “I am doing my best”. But his best was never satisfying, so he began more intensely looking for a way out, an escape out of the pain he suffered. Recently he focused on moving to Chicago as his way out. He thought that if only he focused his attention and thought on what I humorously called the “miracle”, it would happen — a check would come in the mail, he could go to L.A. or Chicago and be free.
A few months ago while I was driving him to one of his treatment appointments he told me that if his way of going to Chicago did not work he had a plan B. I thought maybe he was talking about my road to Chicago, a step by step approach, or perhaps living independently again here in Milwaukee. I did not understand what it meant until the other day when Father Mike Barret, our pastor, came over to our house after Peter’s death and made the comment that Peter has finally found his Chicago, his heavenly peace.
God Bless Peter and all of us who were privileged to be touched by his life.
Comments
Debbie Metke — 01 September 2010, 10:39
Dear Bob and Pat, I am so glad you posted this. It helps educate people about brain diseases. I’ve just sent it to my family and friends who know about a situation in my own family with this. Peter’s mass was so moving. My thoughts and prayers are with you at this difficult time.
Frank Cordaro DM Catholic Worker — 03 September 2010, 07:22
Bob…
Thanks for sending us this posting. Having served the poor and the homeless for so many years at the DM Catholic Worker I know something of what ‘brain diseases’ can bring to a life and to a community. The fact that its not always our guest who suffer this affliction, it can just as easily be carried by a community member, speaks to how prevalent this condition is through out our society. It is one of the ‘harsh and dreadful’ signs of the times we live and a symptom of the unbalance culture we have produced. I too take some advice from Dorothy Day who was keen on saying, “love is the measure.” Now I don’t always practice it… but I sure know its the mark and the antidote for the illnesses of our times. You clearly knew this to be the case with your son Peter, and your practiced it as best you could. That you can say now that the lessons you learned thorough your jouney with Peter are deepening your commitment to address to root causes of the ‘brain diseases’ that plague our society - war and militarism, clearly shows Peter’s struggle was not lost on you… Courage Bob - Thanks for your faithful witness.
Kay Koneazny — 04 September 2010, 18:57
I appreciate that you have posted this so that I was able to “hear” it and be touched by your love of your son. We talked of Jim’s dying process as a journey. Peter’s journey was much longer and more painful. Your faithfulness in supporting him through it all demonstrates to me a tremendous love. I think of you and pray for you both every day as I pass your home on my way to work. I will continue to do this, as I know you will be confronting this loss daily for a long time. God bless and heal you.
Jane Hoffman — 13 September 2010, 12:10
I feel like you and Pat’s guidance and love kept Peter alive much longer than his own internal negative voice that cast doubt over him. He was surrounded by love which allowed him to flourish as an artist and cosmic person and understand life on many levels. He was too sensitive for this world but I feel he did have a peace living with you and he probably just felt his time was up. I am only speculating. Some artists are driven by great amounts of pain and experience tragedy but his life was a testimony to his personal struggle, triumphs and fragility of life. I hope he finds peace in the next world.
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