“I have no trouble with my
enemies. I can take care
of my enemies in a fight.
But my friends, my goddamned
friends, they’re the ones
who keep me walking the floor
at nights!” President Harding

Have you ever felt betrayed by a friend, discriminated against by people you know, falsely accused or misrepresented, marginalized or stigmatized by friends? My experience has taught me often there is partial truth in a stigma (see Stigma Stains the Soul); often people marginalize the messenger to avoid the message; and friends sometimes take conflicts as personal attacks.

Denying or complaining about a false accusation or stigma does not work and usually reinforces it. At the same time you do not want to ignore the person, especially, a friend that is marginalizing or betraying you. Ignoring someone is a form of hate, worst than attacking someone since it fails to recognize the human dignity of a person.

Searching over the years for an answer to this dilemma, not to be defensive yet not to ignore I discovered part of the answer in the teaching of Love Your Enemies. We are taught to love our enemies even when they wrong us or insult us. So why not treat our friends the same way though we feel they are mistreating us. Actually loving your friends when they do something that hurts your feelings is, in my opinion, than loving your enemies when they do something similar.

When my two grandsons were younger and fighting and insulting each other in my presence I played a game with them. I would ask one of them to say something to hurt my feelings or insult me. They were hesitant but would do it. When they did I would put my arms around my accuser and say all kinds of loving and good things about him. They would laugh and find it silly. Then I would have them try it on each other. Being loving and affection to one who insults or speaks badly about you really diffuses the situation, much more effectively than hurling insults back.

Loving your friends as your enemy is something adults do not understand. When I first described disagreeing with a friend or respected person as loving your enemy I was misunderstood. If one disagrees or have a conflict with one who is a friend it is considered the end of the friendship until there is some reconciliation. That need not be true. If we are called to love our enemies it should be natural to love our friend like enemies.

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