“Old and Tired Messenger”
God, mother and father, I am sick and tired of being a messenger. I am not even sure if the message I deliver is your message or the Way shown us by Jesus. You put me in a position of having 21 years of Catholic education. 13 of those were a Jesuit education, where I was taught to practice what I preach, to bridge the gap between your Word and everyday life. Ask my teachers to keep your word.
I used to be praised, “Look how compassionate he is for the poor” or “how hard he works for peace”. This seldom happens now but when it does, except from good friends, it is just a way to marginalize me. I now understand what Dorothy Day meant when she said: “Don’t call me a saint.” Sometimes people get angry at me; blame me for the problem I am trying to solve or place names or stigmas on me. However, most people nowadays just ignore me and dismiss the message while dismissing the messenger. One person had the courage to say to me: “I do not want to hear it”, my message, “anymore.”
In the 60’s when I was young and a follower people used to respond to persons with a message, either disagree or agree with them. We could even have Teach- Ins on issues like the war in Vietnam. Nowadays people say “everyone has a right to their own opinion” and refuse dialog.
Yes I know I am to blame for some of the stigmas put on me. I know that every stigma contains some truth. I even wrote about it in Stigma stains the soul. But I am old and tired and just want to retire. But every day you send me troubled messages and hope and courage to try to speak truth to power, at least my “opinion of truth.”
I read today how In 1968, when Catholic sociologist and peace activist, Gordon Zahn, my friend late in his life, was having a serious crisis of faith over the institutional church, Dorothy Day, co-founder of the Catholic Worker movement, reassured him that “as a convert, I never expected much of the bishops. In all history, popes and bishops and father abbots seem to have been blind and power-;oving and greedy. I never expected leadership from them. It is the saints who keep appearing throughout history who keep things going.“
God I am not a saint and not a convert. My grammar is not good in my writing and I need someone to edit my work.
Are you listening God? If you are busy put Dorothy on the line. Meeting her in 1968 was a moment of change for me. Maybe through her intersection I can now rest and you will choose another messenger to deliver the hard truth. I am tired of the job and I allow myself, the weak messenger, to get in the way of your message.
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