Out of Balance
Wall mural on the West Bank
in Palestine

We watched the end of PBS TV series on John Kennedy (JFK) tonight. The series tried to be true to history while balancing the hype about JFK with a realistic picture of who he was and what he did or did not do in his shorten life. From my limited perspective I think they did a fairly good job and avoided all the mystery behind his assassination. There were a few moments in the documentary when they pointed our direct lies that the President or his representative made to public or media. I believe the same happens today but the public relation aspect of all politicians is keener.

In my life keeping balance between feeling and being sensitive to people and events with not being overwhelmed and numbed by all the sorrow and sadness, that come flying at us is a task. Some people say and practice the other option is to numb ourselves and just turned off and not want to hear things that are upsetting. I exercised this option unconsciously for the middle part of my life and really do not want to return to it even if I could.

For example when I hear, see, touch and feel the poverty and violence of life I cannot turn away, yet I cannot deal with all of it at once. The key for me is the realization that I need to do the right thing according to my conscience even if I see no results or have any positive ‘outcomes’. (I am not sure what ‘outcomes’ means but find it used a lot these days.) Thomas Merton in a letter giving advice to a young activist said “you may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and even achieve no result at all, if not perhaps results opposite to what you expect.” (You can fine an expanded quote on posting in the Diary of the Worm, In a Time of Discouragement.)

Thomas Merton goes on to say what I describe as “do the right thing” and follow your conscience no matter what the results may be or not be. He claims that struggling this way eventually you will not be working for an idea but for a person, everything becomes a personal relationship.

I had a good example of working for a person not for results today. A friend with a mental illness has been calling me the last few days. Last Friday he had lost his wallet and when he found it all his money in it was gone. He has a social worker and a payee that control his money. He tried calling the payee and the social worker with no luck. Now that he is down to seventeen dollars on his food stamp card I said I would give it a try. First I called his social worker’s agency. I got the name of his social worker and called her only to get an answering machine to say call her supervisor if I could not reach her. I called her supervisor only to get a similar voice message saying to call his supervisor. I did it again only to get a voice mail. My friend found the name and phone number of his payee. I called him only to get a similar message to call his supervisor. I did only to get the same message but there was no other numbers in this chain to call. I finally called the receptionist of the social agency again and told her of my dilemma and run around. She gave me a number to call which she said would get me to a real person. I got to a real person who took all the information plus the name and number of my friend. A few hours later my friend called me to say his payee would be over tomorrow morning to give him some of his own money. If he gets some money tomorrow you can say we got ‘results’. If he does not get money we struggle on. I felt a little frustration with all the answering machines but since I was doing it for a friend, not to test the bureaucracy of social service agencies it made it all worthwhile.

Keeping the balance between feeling, seeing and hearing and numbing myself always is not easy but it is the only way to live at peace with oneself.

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