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“I don’t want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything,but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.”

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. “Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!” “Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”

Bumper Sticker

“There is nothing hidden that will not be made public. There is no secret that will not be known.” (Mark 4:22)

Catholic Dog

There was a man who went to the priest and said, “Father, I want you to say a Mass for my dog”. The priest was indignant. “What do you mean, say a Mass for your dog”? “It’s my pet dog”, said the man. “I loved that dog and I’d like you to offer a Mass for him”.

The priest said, “We don’t offer Masses for dogs here. You might try the denomination down the street. Ask them if they might have a service for you”. As the man was leaving, he said to the priest, “Too bad. I really loved that dog. I was planning to offer a million-dollar stipend for the Mass”. And the priest said, “Wait a minute, you never told me your dog was Catholic”. (Story told by Father Anthony De Mello S.J.)

I wish this were true.

Super New Cell Phone

For those who find yourself depending more and more on the cell phone here is one for you. Super Cell Phone

Funny Signs

The first jokes are from my friend, Charlie Immekus, a man of humor, who recently passed away.

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:

“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist’s office:

“Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:

Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

On another Septic Tank Truck:

“We’re #1 in the #2 business.”

At a Proctologist’s door:

“To expedite your visit please back in.”

On a Plumber’s truck:

“We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber’s truck:

“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

“Invite us to your next blowout.”

On a Plastic Surgeon’s Office door:

“Hello. Can we pick your nose?”

At a Towing company:

“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

On an Electrician’s truck:

“Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Nonsmoking Area:

“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door:

“Push. Push. Push.”

At an Optometrist’s Office:

“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a Taxidermist’s window:

“We really know our stuff.”

On a Fence:

“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!”

At a Car Dealership:

“The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:

“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:

“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company:

“We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a Restaurant window:

“Don’t stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station,

“Thank heaven for little grills.”

And don’t forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:

“Best place in town to take a leak”

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Page last modified on August 21, 2013

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